Lets Talk Forgivenes

Forgiveness is a funny term to me. It can mean so many different things if you really dissect the word fully. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary website define forgiveness as the act of forgiving, wow that's a lot of detail. Now look up the definition for forgiving it says willing or able to forgive. So here comes the big moment the definition of forgive which according to Merriam-Webster is “1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for b : to grant relief from payment of 2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)” - Merriam-Webster Dictionary.

Ok so we have somewhat of a better understanding of the world but really what does it mean to us. To many people it says “I am forgetting the wrong you did.” Whether that wrong be towards you as an individual or a third party of your concern. Is it really that simple? When you feel someone has done you wrong can you simply just throw it aside pretending its not there? No of course not nothing is that easy if it where there would be no need for people pursing the same profession as me. It would be a dream come true just to throw the feelings for resentment and hate for another person. Those feelings will always haunt you. This does not mean it is not possible to move on though and here is where the tricky stuff begins. This will be one of the hardest things for me to post knowing that my mother and possibly others from both families will read it, but it has to be sad.

As a child growing up I was abused physically and mentally. I spent several years hating the people who had hurt me. When I would lay down to sleep at night my body would grow numb as my mind started processing my hate. When I was left to myself I would blame my adoptive family for everything it had to be their fault I was so screwed up in the head. If only they didn't do this to me, if only adoption wasn't part of my life and I grew up far from that evil world. Really all I was doing bringing myself down even more. I didn't focus on school or work, I focused on how much I hated myself and my adoptive family. Id tell everyone that I had forgiving them and that I had moved on. The hole time lieing straight threw me teeth. Then I woke up you could say. I stepped back and looked at all the circumstances, not just what happened to me. But what was taking place in the life of others. The lives of my adoptive family. It hasn't been until recently that I can say I have truly forgiven what happened to me. This does mean I have forgotten in anyways it is still a part of me. But I have come to realize what happened, well happened. Why should I sit here and wish things where different, and why should I focus on nothing but hating my adoptive family? I let it go. I realize, in a large thanks to my mother, that I did deserve to be treated better then I was. I stood up for myself against my adoptive family for the first time and believe it or not that was a key moment in the forgiveness process. My mind has been clearing since then. There are still some cloudy parts but all in all things are starting to make a lot more since. That forgiveness wasn't for my adoptive family, it wasn't for my mother, it was for me. It was for me to let years of hate go and start moving forward with life. I know I will still struggle with those moments of hate. Those moments of how dare you. But when they come I will simply say to them no. No I do not want you back in my life, I am stronger then you now. Now I told you this moment of true forgiveness in my life to tell you another story about another time I had to forgive.

After my Family had found me and we lost contact I found myself in another hating frenzy. My mind would jump from how much I hated “God” and how could he put me here instead of with my family. I would hate my brothers I was jealous to me they where living perfect lives with perfect parents. Again my body would go numb and my mind would start processing all the hate. I blamed my Father for coming down to see me. Where did he have the right just to spring that on me. But the worst hate and anger would come when I would think about the adoption in a hole. My mind would jump from how could my Mother just let me go and just expect me to come back with arms wide open, to hating myself for not talking to them. This was all on top of hate building for my adoptive family. Hate really does start to kill you inside. It wasn't until I received the two books (Adoption Healing by Joe Soll, LCSW and The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier) that I started to see things from a different perspective. Again I looked and circumstances surrounding everyone involved. I got a small but eye opening peak into the mind of a Mother, not just a 1st mom or adoptive but a mother. A women giving birth to her child. Keep in mind this is still when I thought adoption was one of the best things in the world. I saw a young confused 16 year old girl being fed many things by adults that told her to “trust them”. Who do you look up to when you are a teenager? Adults! I started to understand more of why adoption at the time seemed like the best answer. Where could it go wrong, abortion was out of the question, It was an open adoption so it wasn't like she would never see her child again. She was promised she would know everything that happened in her child's life. The sad truth is that it was lie fed by money hungry adoption agencies and my Mother was their prime target. My mother stopped receiving updates about me, the presents she sent me where sent back to her. No more photos, no more updates, nothing she had lost her child. Losing a child to a parent, especially a mother is one of the most emotional devastating things that could happen. Of course she was excited when she first met me. Here I was all grown up after so many years of not knowing what happened what mother wouldn't want to immediately start reconnecting with their child after long term separation. Things started to fall into place in my head. Then just as the first wave started to ware off it hit me, she know had lost her child again in the same manner. Here it was happening all over again losing her child. Needless to say In my mind I was the worst person on earth not worthy to breathe the same air as everyone else. It took some time and unexpected move into an apartment but I couldn't take it anymore. I broke the silence by sending her a message on myspace. It wasn't long after both my parents came to see me and we where going to Nebraska. Here is where I really got to know my brothers, and the truth was I loved em. I was so overwhelmed with the love for them. These two boys where my blood, they where like two mini mes. It was there at that moment I no longer hated my family but I still hated myself for what I had done. I moved up into my parents house soon after. After hearing my mothers story and views adoption I began to open my mind more. She would stay awake late at night sometimes and just talk to me about everything. I don't know when and I don't know why, I say family love, but I forgave my Mother because know I didn't see it as “Oh I don't want this baby” I saw it as “I want the best thing for him I love with all of my heart and If I have to suffer for him to have a good life I will.” That was a weight lifted off my shoulders. I have no also forgiven myself for disappearing like I did. Again because I was able to see the hole picture and not just bits an peaces of it.

I told you these two stories to make this point. We as adoptee's and we as biological families will be told over and over and over again we should just be thankful and forgive everything. The thankful part make want to puke my guts out but I do believe a good deal of forgiveness has to be to help the healing process.

I will speak to the adoptee's first here. Please do read this and take something from it. All the hate you have bottled up inside for you Biological family is understandable. But you have to look at it from other sides to besides your own. If your parents knew something would bad happen to you because of adoption I guarantee they would have called it off right then and there. They are told there are no risks with in adoption. That the hole thing is nothing more then unicorns and rainbows, and like any scared person they will believe more if a professional is telling them. All of the hate you have bottled up inside you is not helping you as a person move forward. Understand this forgiving does not mean forgetting. I understand if you never want to have anything to do with biological family again, as much as I would push you understand where you are from it is ultimately your choice. But the hate you hold inside will keep tearing you down even further. Try to understand their feelings and place you self in that spot and think really what would you do. Deep feelings like that will never go away fully they will come visit you anytime the please this is a natural human response. What counts is how will you deal with. Will you let it bury you in a field of hate, or will you learn to move threw that moment and have the strength to let your feelings move on and be on there way?
Now let me speak to the adoptee who has hate for their adoptive family. I will lay it all out here. Your adoptive family is just as big a part of who you are today as your biological family. To deny one part is to deny you who are as a person. I can fully understand and appreciate not ever wanting to speak or see your adoptive family again, trust me I do. However just as your biological family they did and still do love you. You really have to ask yourself is it worth destroying yourself to hate a part of you, and a part of your life? Again you must always look at everything surrounding a situation try seeing things from a different perspective it really can be eye opening. Despite how bad they may have treated you it is important to understand the more you hate someone else the more you will end up hating yourself.

This part may be small portion but it was one thing I feel I have to say and I am saying this to every 1st mom out there so please listen up. We adoptee's are not the only ones who have hard things forgive you are lucky enough to have the same issue. It kill me every time my mother feels guilt for losing me to adoption, I know at times she blames herself and to me this is just wrong. I know I will never fully know what it is like to be a mother, but I do know you love us your children with all your heart. As with me I had to forgive myself to stop hating myself and feeling guilty about past mistakes. YOU have to do the same. Yes it was mistake and yes it was your choice, but honestly if you knew all of the consequences up front would you have still have gone threw with the adoption? I don't think so. I know the guilt will never fully go away but I believe a little forgiveness is in order here. Feelings will never fully go away but you can move threw them. I know for myself I in no way blame my Mother for the adoption nor do I believe she should blame herself and something tells me a lot of adoptee's out there feel the same way. If not for you, then for us how we can start to heal if you can't.

I am sorry for any major errors in my typing if there is a part that doesn't make since please tell me and I will clarify it for you.

I know nothing will happen overnight but if I got you to at least think a little bit I will be happy.

THE BIGGEST THING IS LEARNING TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR WHAT YOU FEEL YOU HAVE DONE WRONG IN LIFE NO MATTER WHAT IT IS.

Song of the week,

ok so heres the deal. Im going to post lyrics to a song, it could have something to do with what im feeling it could have nothing to do with anything at all its up to you to figure it out. I will sometimes also post a link so you can listen to the song to, this is just something im going to do so people can get to know me better. Todays song is I Never Wanted By As I Lay Dying.


Click here to Listen

I never wanted
And I never cared before

I never wanted
And I never cared before
Take it back
This is a new day

I never wanted
And I never cared before
Take it back
This is

How I long to regress
To the days before I took upon myself
The obsession of this world (for tomorrow)
A day of innocence equating beauty (may fall)
For tomorrow may fall (and today)
And today is already (is already gone)

Tomorrow may fall
Today is already gone

Take it back
This is a new day

I never wanted, this is a new day
And I never cared before
I never wanted, I never wanted
And I never cared before

I've grown tired of chasing
Convinced I was in need
And now the years I've spent
Only a slave to this

Tomorrow may fall
And today is already gone
I will no longer adore these things
That will never satisfy me

I've seen my world change
And then go back to where it came

In this vicious circle
We are all brought back to life
Only to die
In this vicious circle
We are all brought back to life
Only to die (again)

In this vicious circle (I've seen my)
We are all (my world change)
Brought back to life (and then go back)
Only to die (back to where it came)
In this vicious circle (but without these)
We are all (barren obsessions)
Brought back to life (I am simply)
Only to die again (I am simply free)

I've seen my world change
And then go back to where it came

A Responce to my English Class Blog.

First off everyone should read/listen to this article from NPR to understand this post. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122725819

here is what i said..

"This is a difficult situation to make the right choice. How do you say to one man we are going to take you away from your life because you cant pay x amount of money. Just like that he was swooped away from his family and life to sit in a floating jail. Seems you would want to encourage a citizen in society to maintain a constant progression forward. It will most likely take him a good amount of time to get back into a steady job. What do the courts expect his family to do? How will he feed his daughter, and provide a roof over her head now, after they (the courts) cost him his only source of legal income? I wonder if this is why more and more people turn to drug dealing and thievery? Desperation will make some people do a lot of crazy things, especially if their child is affected.

There is however a part of me that can see threw a glimpse of the courts eyes. There are laws in place and when they are violated consequence needs to occur. Not to mention the amount of revenue that is generated my misdemeanor fines and bond payments, well at least the booking fee's. I think the bond is generally returned or applies to the fines. I understand the need to send a message that if you insist on repeatedly breaking the law over and over again, even if it is a petty crime, that you will be punished for it. Some judges and prosecutors probably see it as intentional disrespect for them.

Is it really worth the 9 billion a year we spend on keeping none violent and petty crime offenders locked up because they cant make bail? Is that really a good price to send a stern message? I don't believe so I think there has to be some compromise somewhere. Most of the bondsman's price is based on the amount of bail. If I where the judge on this case I would at least consider lowering bail at minimum by half. At least allowing his contacts on the outside to acquire enough cash in time and maybe saving this man his job and dignity. I do not thinking just turning them all away and setting them free is the answer either. It would be like letting loose 100 cats and one of them is going to kill another cat. I know its a weird metaphor, but think about it. People break the law for a reason, whether it be desperation, drug addiction, or a release from a troubled life(it could be all three). What if only one of the hundreds of thousands who cant post bond molest a child in the future? Is that really worth saving a few cents in the long run? People don't get caught for everything they do, and they for sure don't get caught for everything they think. Again I say far compromise would be a good tactic call it weed control. "

Start it off Right....Why do i say Rogue Adoptee

Im sure plenty of you are wondering why i call myself the Rogue Adoptee. This is simple because i intend to challenge both sides of Adoption. This is just a brief Intro to who i am and my experience. My views and thoughts and well come as i post more blogs. PLEASE FEEL FREE to agree or disagree with me but do it in a well manor-ed way. I would like this blog to almost be a resource for people to read when looking for some sort of guidance.

I am a child of the open adoption experiment, and i am a man of two worlds. I say this because i feel that both my biological and adoptive families have played large roles in making me who i am today. My Mother lost me and i lost her when she was 16 to a corrupt money hungry system. A system that sees dollar signs over the welfare of both child and mother. On a sunny fall day in 2006 I was walking into my job at the time. I was a cook at a restaurant called The Place, we did fine dinners and catering events. I looked to my left and glimpsed the patio, and there i saw him. A man standing with a young adult boy just staring at me i as made my way into the building. I got into work scared that someone was here to hurt me. I owed some people money and i had been running around with the wrong crowd of people. The man told the waitresses that he wanted to see me and talk to me. Over and over again i declined to go outside to see him. Finally one of the waitresses came back with a Business card for a company called Forward Enterprise. I don't know honestly what made me change my mind, but what happened next was one of the most pivotal moments in my life. One of those moments that echoes threw my mind like a beautiful song you never forget. My life was about to change forever.
I walked over to the man and introduced myself as Justin. He took his sunglasses off his eyes and looked deep into mine and then he said it. Words i will never forget. "Hi im John I've been waiting 19 years for this moment, I'm your father." Word can not describe the world of emotions that ran threw my body. The rest of the day seemed like a dream. I found out later that my Mother had found me after a long search on MySpace, where i listed my place of employment. Amazing what life can bring to you in the most unexpected ways.
I spent my first Christmas with my family that year. But it wasn't all just lullabies and rainbows. It wasn't long after Christmas i severed contact with my Family and ran straight back to my old life pretending nothing happened. This Lasted for a year, i commonly refer to this year as "The Year of Hell" So many different emotions went threw me and i could not make since of any of them.
Then one day I got a package in the mail. In it where two books from my Mother. With a letter telling me she was still there for me and that I should read these. The books sat comfortably on my desk for a wile till one night I opened one of the books and read, that moment was another life changing moment for me.

Some few months later I made the big move to Broomfield to live with my family. From the support of my family I started to understand who I was as an individual and understand some of the emotions I was feeling. I went threw a cut off period with my adoptive family as well and have just recently began talking to my Adoptive Mother again.

My life know is school and preparation for my overall goal. I wasn't to become a post adoption therapist for young kids and teens experiencing then same troubles and confusions that I myself went threw. I Want to make a change and big change in the world of adoption and it all begins here with this blog.